cripchick's blog

a friend and i have been having conversations about how hard we have been finding organizing to be lately. like, make-you-hate-yourself hard. energy-sucking hard. questioning-your-every-ability hard. i am happy to learn that september was the month mercury was in retrograde, that maybe it was the universe or something that we could not control that made us all treat each other like that.

that friend and i have been talking about what working in a community where everyone is coming from an extreme place of vulnerability looks like. like if vulnerability is a spectrum, it’s no joke, so many of us in core leadership roles are way down on one end of it. with parents, family members or best friends that we can’t tell we’re queer to. caught and trapped in systems. homeless. brushed aside. left behind. dealing with abuse/ being in abusive situations. creepin’. stuck. disability, the silence around it, the lack of people who actually get us, can be so isolating.  we come to this space where we have access and get to be ourselves — at least for a weekend here, a weekend there—and damn if we aren’t scared as hell to lose it. damn if we don’t whip out all the survival weapons we have hiding under our clothes. damn if we don’t secretly keep our finger on the trigger ready to shoot, not even knowing that’s what we are doing, not even knowing that we are working from a place of insecurity. vulnerability.

or at least it’s like that for me. i am left thinking of all the ways our actions are motivated by insecurity. fear of loneliness. loss of community.  maybe i keep waking up and finding myself in these relationships and friendships that aren’t working because i am scared of being so so so alone. that i can’t take any more isolation or longing. maybe the reason you are so angry with me is because you don’t trust me not to leave you, not to spit on everything you have poured into this friendship.  when i do something small, it ruffles up all these feelings, hits our histories— that gut feeling in you—and soon we all look like the enemy you have been taught to shoot at.

know that we have to be more gentle. more intentional. more aware. just am not sure yet how to put that into practice.

any ideas?

dear fellow collective members,

i cannot promise that i will not make the same mistakes again.
i cannot promise that i will change instantly from your critique.
i cannot promise that i will see things from your vantage point.

however, i can tell you that i will try my best to remember that what you are sharing is an organizational critique, one that reflects the way we are harmed by systemic injustice and not personal shit against me. i can promise that i will remember that we are all committed to what we are building here together, that even when we are angry with each other, we are community, we are fam. in return i ask that you give me the benefit of the doubt & believe i am here because i love this, because i love being with you.

“change without struggle is an empty fallacy” – deep foundation, children of the sun

my sister says i am a sharing circle addict. i love the way you brought up your issue to the group…the way she said said his racism hurt her too as a white person…the way he heard all of us and apologized… the reason i am so deeply attracted to women of color media making is because it is rooted in the importance of speaking. speaking is recognized as bringing light to injustice, a radical perspective in a culture that says women of color speaking is complaining, nagging, not being thankful, etc. (add in ableism and imagine all the ways disabled women of color are told that.) even if someday we are not okay with each other for one day or one year or ten years, that’s alright. i don’t mean to romanticize all of this, but the process of sitting in struggle with each other is natural. it is necessary.

“sing, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright yeah/ hoping for the sun, but it looks like rain/ B-O-N-E, but it’s still the same/ came this far, but it’s been a long road/ troubles gonna come but we gotta stay strong, hold on, on…” -mariah carey & bone thugs, breakdown

like RP said recently, change is hard. change comes with growing pains. our collective came out of a movement critique and the analysis that comes from your experience is what gives breath to our organization. it doesn’t have to sound pretty, it doesn’t have to be perfect. bringing up the issues you have is a huge part of the way you show your love and investment in this.

“gotta listen to the people when they holla at you/ whether they show you mad love or call you a fool/ don’t spit none of it out, swallow it all of it dude/ it’s about time, change coming long overdue” -native guns, look in the mirror

no doubt these kinds of conversations are hard— we have poured our lives into this collective, into this movement— but it hurts me more when you do not communicate with me. i believe in conflict because i believe in growth. i am interested in our transformation, not our comfort. speaking & listening is the only way we can grow. please say what is on your tongue. please speak.

“and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid
so it is better to speak
remembering
we were never meant to survive”
-audre lorde

love,
cripchick