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he thinks my friend and i are blood (she is near 6 feet tall. i am 4’9.) i laugh politely (she has blonde hair. my hair is red lacquer brown.) hiding my disappointment (she is white. do i look white?) sometimes i can see how people could think we’re related the only time my tongue is accentuated with ah-cham! and aihigoos is when in despair my pale red-cheeked skin is only olive during the summer time my thoughts are articulated through southern y’alls, random oh mys, and valley girl “totally like y’know, right?…!” disappointed i leave the coffee shop wondering if i should be wearing shit with dragons and cherry blossoms on it throwing kung-fu kicks around maybe being his asian american stereotype is better than this. whenever i feel alone— like now, when people mistake me for white— i bring my hands to my face you are there, hidden in the crevices of my palms whispering “remember me even when it is easy to forget” yes. especially when it is easiest to forget. i think about what struggle my ancestors have been through so i can sit here and do silly things like lament identity and perceived whiteness whenever i am ashamed of my broken korean or misspelled hangul i run my fingers through my hair, hearing the plucking of gayageums and the sweep of hanboks brushing against the floor the harmony of fans, drums, and people remind me that we share more than consonants and vowels i smile, thankful for this heritage whenever i feel lost in anti-racist work, wondering where my people fit into this black-white dichotomy that does not allow room for families being torn apart by ice raids, leaves out colonization so we can focus on “issues at home” and saves stolen land as a topic for later discussion (while simultaneously wondering where all the non-black people of color are gonna represent) i want to scream! instead i think of my sisters and the amazing support system we’ve built for each other not coalition building, no but community building and community weaving inspired by their work and love i keep on i remember i myself am a mixed girl who is loved by other mixed girls by negotiators of this body lovers of this skin other occupiers of fuzzy, seemingly conflicting identities and space i am loved and this is enough.

"the community is not great for anyone until it is great for everyone."        --WIDU motto
this past saturday, a friend, her family, and i went to a 6 hour star-studded gospel extravaganza hosted by radio station WIDU (biiiig Dottie Peoples' fan here). what i didn't realize on my end was that it meant i'd *literally* be attending church with 10,000 other folks. it was a really powerful experience and i realized something big is missing in my life by not being connected to a spiritual/faith community. had a lot of interesting thought processes at this event. first and foremost, everything we are just now talking about community has been talked about for decades. it's not a new conversation. i need to listen more and talk less. this event was organized by a coalition of SEVENTY-ONE local predominantly african-american churches and the speakers talked a lot about how what we are experiencing locally and at the gospel fest was a harvest (love that word) that was a result of people were being intentional about coming together. the event was also amazingly intergenerational. the theme was "fighting for the family" which in any other circumstance would scare the HELL out of me [normally when you hear this it's in a homophobic, nuclear family rhetoric]. here it meant being anti-war, anti-prisons, and anti-oppression---this was not a progressive event either, if you asked people i'm sure they probably identified as having conservative values even if it was a pro-obama environment. these are all things i already knew but was nice to be reminded. what also really stuck out to me was the high numbers of disabled people at the concert (and i'm only talking about disabilities that were visible to me, let alone all the disabilities our community represents). it wasn't a big deal, there was no special effort to get those disabled people out there. they were just there with their families, friends, etc. maybe it's cause i sat mostly around other disabled people, but it seemed like everyone was looking out for each other (i.e. a ten year old kid got separated from his grandma and when it was announced, not only did the whole coliseum PRAY for this boy but everyone was actively looking for him). community happened organically. when i go to events led by people of color, i am always reminded that disability is and has been ALWAYS a part of the conversation. the model isn't a replicate of the one the disability rights movement uses (independence first and foremost) but i'm not sure that model can ever work for our communities. values systems are different. at least for the corean-american/API community, independence alone is not something we cherish; in fact, western ideals around independence clash with our family/community structures and belief in interdependence. i feel like disability rights for communities of color is about making the quality of life for the whole family better, not one person. again, a one-issue solution is not going to be enough (i.e. is a ramp to get in the store a priority when you don't have money to feed your kids? is getting PA services going to be really for one person or by being for that person, will it be for the whole family?). not trying to romanticize communities of color or say that we don't experience ableism here, just trying to really think whether our mainstream disability rights model will ever really *fit* for communities of color or whether we need to reframe the conversation and think about the values that are included in this model instead of "outreaching" to them. one specific example of this i suppose is the politics of door-opening. for me, i feel no shame around strangers opening a door for me. being able to ask folks and count on community is a huge part of my own independence. if the situation was reversed (or if there is an automatic button), i would open the door for them. i have a hard time of seeing the message of "i can do this by myself!" as a priority. at the same time i understand the danger of low-expectations, the trap of expected roles, and even how door-opening is gendered. i know many people who connect door-opening to these issues and am guessing that my outlook on this maybe different because i didn't experience life pre-ADA, corean culture emphasizes people helping each other v. doing things independently, and my disability requires me to have no shame around needing and asking assistance with things. and with all that said, i *was* still offended when i ran into someone i knew at the show and he randomly asked if i needed help with anything. but did he have low expectations for me? no, he knows firsthand my work as a community organizer and what i am capable of doing. did he mean anything by it? no. he was just checking. was it because my disability? yes, of course. but in a community that functions by making sure everyone is accounted for, is that so bad? i'm not sure. obviously i know what it's like to be trapped in the receiver role (it's probably really bad that one of my reasons for wanting to go to law school is to say HA! COREAN COMMUNITY! BOW DOWN TO MY MOM AND TAKE BACK YOUR PITY!). at the same time, the corean community has always supported my family, especially around disability. i mean, heck, my halmoni left her whole life in corea to come support my mom and it wasn't even something to think about, just like putting halmoni in a nursing home will never be something to think about as it isn't even a perceivable option. so what do you think? is there a balance to it all? is it just about different values clashing? is it something different? really curious to hear if anyone has any thoughts on this. (check out philosophercrip and wheelchairdancer for recent blogs on similar themes).