where i’m at..
since early march, i have told friends that i have not “bounced back” yet. by “bounced back” i mean that this was not the first time i was in a relationship with someone who told me later on that they did not find my physical embodiment attractive. this is not my first time with someone who tried to make the attraction piece “work” because they appreciated my mind and spirit inside of this body, or the connection we had. in fact, this has been my whole life — a string of experiences where i am the friend people are secretly very emotionally intimate with, but the one who is not invited to parties, the friend the person is conflicted about loving, the date who knows the parents well, but not the person’s other friends. it has been an endless struggle to prove and remember worth in a culture that is relentless in its telling of the wrongness of our bodies. i have enough experience now that if i had known this is where she was, i would not have dated her. it’s fine not to like me or not want to date me, but an uncertainty of my body is non-negotiable.
my sadness is not so much loss for her — we barely knew each other. my heaviness is in being triggered to this place of undesirability. in this rampant culture of ableism, wanting myself is something i have fought for. coming back to this place has been very hard. feeling undesirable and angry at my body/reality was unexpected. i was loving my defiant, resilient body with such an intensity. it hasn’t just been being triggered by her that has been hard. i am starting to realize how hard it is to manage all the things a complex body like mine needs. i am learning to love a body that needs so much from me.
i still feel foolish. foolish for opening myself up like that, foolish for believing disabled girl her would know how to love disabled girl me. foolsih for thinking that intimacy was finding another young, queer, wheelchair using, asian girl with a white daddy, political person.
collecting myself has taken:
poetry
spending time with people with kin bodies, who love themselves
writing out on my iphone at 2 am all the ways i have survived (and wanted to stay alive)
saying no to friendships that i am not emotionally ready for
distance
distractions
love & being held in bed while antony and the johnsons play
talking to a therapist at a queer mental health center
affirmation from my community via snail-mail
coming to grips that this body and all the work it takes to live in it is always going to be my reality
learning how to have respect for my body even when i resent it
energy, so. much. energy.
some days i start to feel like the self i once knew, but so many things bring me back to this place. seeing a disability or queer analysis that has no recognition of what it means to live in a non-normative body is a trigger. seeing people i am in community with having non-wheelchair accessible event is a trigger. on a bad day, having a fight at home, a friend forgetting something important to me, or my sister not calling me back all take me to that place. i know it’s my own stuff. i know how i feel about myself has to come from inside.
and i can’t blame her for not loving me. it has always been my lone work.
I LOVE YOU STACEY !!!
nadia
11 Jun 11 at 12:47 AM
A little confusing since I’m not as familiar with your life or who you’re referring to but you are so deep and seems like you have such an amazing network. Take care.
Marcela
11 Jun 11 at 1:04 AM
I just wanted to say that I’ve subscribed to the RSS of your blog, and I find it really helpful in thinking about and dealing with my own medical problems. You have a set of words and concepts that are very useful for thinking about these issues. Thanks for writing.
misc
11 Jun 11 at 12:40 PM
lifting you up, mija. and holding you close from a distance.
Kismet
11 Jun 11 at 10:38 PM
stacey, i’m sending you so much love|light right now, for wherever you are in your healing journey. and thinking about what you said, about it being your “own stuff.” and…well, yeah, some of it is. you’re so accountable and responsible for the stuff that you’re holding. but i just want to hold that maybe some of it is not you. that maybe some (most) of it is because we live in an ableist, shaming society, that constantly reinforces and lifts up all the shame we have about our bodies, and leaves some people out and without access– and maybe good self-esteem isn’t enough. even with all the love you have for yourself, for your body, it’s so hard to undo what we’ve been told, and shown, and what has been constantly validated in our relationships and lives about ourselves, and how wrong we are. (but like june jordan says, you are NOT wrong). i think you are so badass and brave– and it doesn’t seem foolish to me, to trust and believe in the possibility of building loving and sexy community. and that takes courage, and resilience. and badassedness.
alicia
27 Jun 11 at 6:53 AM
came across your writings and this made me skip a beat / think deep. thank you for your wisdom. sending vibras.
x
28 Jun 11 at 1:21 PM
i don’t know you, but you’ve inspired me so much with this one post. stay strong, because you are.
fembot
22 Jul 11 at 12:49 PM
Hi … this comment is off-topic. I tried to reach you through the email in make/shift magazine but did not get a response.
I don’t want to bug you if this isn’t of interest to you, but I’m wondering whether you might be interested in writing a review for _Disability Studies Quarterly_, an open-access online journal. The work I have in mind is _Beauty Is a Verb: The New Disability Poets_. (Cinco Puntos Press)
If you are interested, you can email me at price.spelman@gmail.com
Thanks for your awesome writing. :)
Margaret
2 Aug 11 at 2:00 PM
I’ve been reading steadily and wanted you to know I’m out here. HI!
I don’t understand tumblr and can’t even follow the comments (its a nightmare~! I’m too old, I think), so I am commenting here instead of commenting at the other place you’ve been writing.
And just wanted to say, Oh, the places you’ll go! :)
DaisyDeadhead
1 Sep 11 at 8:35 AM
I just wanted to take a minute to reply to this post because it was so honest, moving, and relatable. I think you are one of the strongest people I’ve ever come across in the blogosphere (and I suspect in “real life” too). As an ambulatory “able-bodied” person who was raised by a dis/abled parent, and who has worked with and advocated for differently abled people my whole life, I have often been profoundly conflicted working on dis/ability justice issues because I don’t want to ever speak for or louder than anyone. I self-criticize to almost negative extents because of this worry, and I am constantly re-thinking what solidarity and justice actually means by deconstructing my own ableist privilege. So that being said, I wanted to say that I love reading your blog and share it with the dis/abled womyn and queers that I work with every day. We are all so moved by your analysis of ableist/homophobic/racist/capitalist culture and wanted you to know that we’re here loving you big time. Being brave is really freaking hard, but you do it so gracefully and unapologetically. *HUGS*
Jude
21 Oct 11 at 9:21 AM
Thank you for sharing yourself here. I appreciate it a lot. It helps. You’re really smart. :)
Christina
29 Oct 11 at 4:55 PM
Greetings! I wanted to send you a message, but I couldn’t find contact info anywhere on here. We met briefly at the Berkeley Farmer’s Market a few months ago. I sold you some corn :)
Wanted to share a blog you might be interested in, written by a sweet friend of mine: http://philosophactivist.blogspot.com/
Thanks for writing!
Vikta
29 Nov 11 at 6:32 PM