How does it follow from her shaking her head at the article that she is UNAWARE of your queer identity? Could she be aware, but less supportive of it than you first believed? Could she herself have somewhat of a fractured identity (or at least moral/political opinion) when it comes to this issue? It doesn’t solve your search for identity, but I know that acceptance/support of a difference can be a spectrum and process for many people, rather than a hard and fast category. I try as hard as I know how to be aware of my privilege and am constantly failing quite miserably, engaging in all types of racism, heterosexism, ableism, etc. I wouldn’t completely discount your previous gut instincts because of one incident.

Also, does anyone truly have a unified self? I think human beings are constantly fractured, contradictory creatures. While it is important to have peace, I am not sure it’s possible to attain that peace through a completely consistent and unified self.

ekswitaj, thank you for your words. what you say is so true, it seems like the end result is always what we want but the process of trying to get there is always so important…definitely words to breathe in and figure out how to actually do

dr. d (because the slightly confucian k/corean in me will seriously never be able to call you carl), re: pa, i wish! that would be the day. :) she’s wonderful though, come to think about it i really appreciate the fact that she indeed has different values from mine, but has logged in almost 3000 hours with me and has never forced them on me. i love her so much and have a lot of respect for her & the fact that both of the professionalism we display towards each others beliefs is reciprocated.

i think as far as family framework.. i am still trying to grasp what that could mean, but i look at people who have chosen to adopt their families (queers being a great example) and the commitment they have for each other in this …. i know i am also working from a corean model where commitment to family is life. like what could our activism be like if that commitment was the foundation of everything, instead of commonality, shared background, shared anger? my original use in the word family started because sister wasn’t inclusive of everyone’s genders. from a western perspective, there is a good chance that i am romanticizing what family means but i still think there are ideas for community-building in family models that can’t be fully expressed in thinking about community/network/agency.

what i do know for sure is the way a friend and i felt accountable to/for a group of high school boys earlier this year on a trip to dc. it was a really strange feeling in that we felt really mom/pop-ish and knew that was a supposed to be a patronizing sentiment (especially for a group of disabled people) but at the same time it was this beautiful amazing thing where they everyone acted as brothers to each other and respected our experience and love for them? and in return we had the opportunity to be a part of their growth, to watch little seeds we planted transform into these wonderful breathing things in them. it was really explosively different from normal group dynamics where no matter how older brothery/sistery the leader is, that person is still the leader and the others are followers? the space belonged to everyone in a way i have never seen before but am still not completely able to put my finger on it.

anyways. thanks for your thoughts! very thankful to be blog friends. (& this is quite a long comment.)

Would ‘family’ as you’re thinking about it be a kind of frame for activism that could include more woven selves, with the pointiness coming from our occasional agreements about what needs to get done?

Re: your pa, that’s disappointing. No doubt you’re right, but is it at all possible she was reacting to the segregation of queers in a separate relationship ghetto? That would at least be a more interesting conversation.