i.
older woc friend here is planning on leaving in february. i want to spit out some kind of ageist mean-spirited comment to keep her here---"you're 60 years old! peace corps? africa??"---but that's just me being selfish (and it's not like she'd listen to that bullshit anyways). still. her here gives me new faith in this place, as if little poems i carry are enough to breathe hope into the lungs of this city or that the words we whisper to each other and the plans we make are loud enough to transform and mobilize folks. i've started to really believe in what we are actively and intentionally creating here. she can't leave.
ii.
today my PA [personal attendant] and i were in a coffee shop and while i was working on some stuff, i saw her reading the newspaper and shaking her head. when she got up to move to the sofa, i picked up the paper and saw that what she was disgusted by was an article about eharmony having to create an alternative dating site for queers because of a lawsuit. it surprised me, because i didn't think she had these feelings. unlike past home health folks, i was pretty sure she knew i was queer and it was an unspoken supported thing--- i mean it is pretty much impossible to spend this much time with me and not have *some* inclination (though it's true that i've only rolled w/ hetero nongenderbendy guys lately so that could be confusing if you think queer=gay)
i should be thankful that she recognizes the role she plays in my space and respects it but i'm left kinda thinking that this is a perfect example of how my life is so fractured, that someone who knows me so intimately could not be a part of a huge part of me. i know i need to feel blessed--there are lots of folks living in institutions, nursing homes, controlling family dynamics that can't love who they want, be who they want and at least i have access to spaces where i can do that, even it's not all the time.. but still, it feels lonely sometimes.
i want to wield and weave all these little pieces of me into something that's more true to who i am. is there a way the learner, the teacher, the radical woman of color (rwoc), the half white girl, the amateur poet, the gimp girl, the anti-marriage queer, the closet queer, the overanalyzer, the romantic, the wannabe anti-capitalist, the person looking at an MBA, the person looking for faith, the indie media maker, the person invested in all this, come together in a way that does not rely on the denial of the other?
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another shapeshifter living among the digital masses
About the Blogger
Cripchick is a powerchair-roaring, young queer disabled woman of color. She grew up on an army base in the South for 18 years and continues to live (and love) North Carolina. She has been a disability/crip youth organizer since high school. Cripchick is crushing hard on popular education, radical women of color feminism, and people practicing liberation & interdependence.
[...] cripchick asks, how can i be all this at once? [...]
Posted by no snow here on December 17th, 2008.
I need to ask these questions alongside you.
Posted by Adele on December 17th, 2008.
That you are aware of all these contradictions and compartments means that you are making major progress in the process of integration, but that process is a lifetime journey. In my own life, I have chosen to strive to enjoy that process rather than to value only the yearned-for end result.
Posted by EKSwitaj on December 17th, 2008.
“I want to wield and weave.” I see the dilemma. For wielding it looks like identities need to be hardened and sharpened to a point. But for weaving, identities need to be somewhat pliable – like colored threads in a tapestry, perhaps. So much of our sense of self depends on what we need to get done and what metaphors we choose to define the situation.
Would ‘family’ as you’re thinking about it be a kind of frame for activism that could include more woven selves, with the pointiness coming from our occasional agreements about what needs to get done?
Re: your pa, that’s disappointing. No doubt you’re right, but is it at all possible she was reacting to the segregation of queers in a separate relationship ghetto? That would at least be a more interesting conversation.
Posted by Carl on December 18th, 2008.
my sweet sweet adele, i love you.
ekswitaj, thank you for your words. what you say is so true, it seems like the end result is always what we want but the process of trying to get there is always so important…definitely words to breathe in and figure out how to actually do
dr. d (because the slightly confucian k/corean in me will seriously never be able to call you carl), re: pa, i wish! that would be the day. :) she’s wonderful though, come to think about it i really appreciate the fact that she indeed has different values from mine, but has logged in almost 3000 hours with me and has never forced them on me. i love her so much and have a lot of respect for her & the fact that both of the professionalism we display towards each others beliefs is reciprocated.
i think as far as family framework.. i am still trying to grasp what that could mean, but i look at people who have chosen to adopt their families (queers being a great example) and the commitment they have for each other in this …. i know i am also working from a corean model where commitment to family is life. like what could our activism be like if that commitment was the foundation of everything, instead of commonality, shared background, shared anger? my original use in the word family started because sister wasn’t inclusive of everyone’s genders. from a western perspective, there is a good chance that i am romanticizing what family means but i still think there are ideas for community-building in family models that can’t be fully expressed in thinking about community/network/agency.
what i do know for sure is the way a friend and i felt accountable to/for a group of high school boys earlier this year on a trip to dc. it was a really strange feeling in that we felt really mom/pop-ish and knew that was a supposed to be a patronizing sentiment (especially for a group of disabled people) but at the same time it was this beautiful amazing thing where they everyone acted as brothers to each other and respected our experience and love for them? and in return we had the opportunity to be a part of their growth, to watch little seeds we planted transform into these wonderful breathing things in them. it was really explosively different from normal group dynamics where no matter how older brothery/sistery the leader is, that person is still the leader and the others are followers? the space belonged to everyone in a way i have never seen before but am still not completely able to put my finger on it.
anyways. thanks for your thoughts! very thankful to be blog friends. (& this is quite a long comment.)
Posted by cripchick on December 19th, 2008.
A few quick, mostly underdeveloped thoughts on ii.
How does it follow from her shaking her head at the article that she is UNAWARE of your queer identity? Could she be aware, but less supportive of it than you first believed? Could she herself have somewhat of a fractured identity (or at least moral/political opinion) when it comes to this issue? It doesn’t solve your search for identity, but I know that acceptance/support of a difference can be a spectrum and process for many people, rather than a hard and fast category. I try as hard as I know how to be aware of my privilege and am constantly failing quite miserably, engaging in all types of racism, heterosexism, ableism, etc. I wouldn’t completely discount your previous gut instincts because of one incident.
Also, does anyone truly have a unified self? I think human beings are constantly fractured, contradictory creatures. While it is important to have peace, I am not sure it’s possible to attain that peace through a completely consistent and unified self.
Posted by PhilosopherCrip on January 1st, 2009.