Things coming together and stepping back – the borders of identity harden under pressure and trap us inside them. Whatever it takes to back off the pressure and get more permeable is a goodgood thing. Cheers!

On the disengaging thing… I have really disagreed with some of the convo on that. You have a choice to make about what is best for you, in the 1:1 friendship, and in the group dynamic. And you are right that sometimes disengaging is an avoidance and nothing ever gets “fixed” or dealt with that way. On the other hand, I’ve been really frustrated with the “demand” to not disengage in the group setting. Sometimes disengaging is needed. Sometimes it is a temporary measure. And just because one person knows that their own tendency to disengage is about avoiding conflict does not mean that is the only reason of someone else’s disengagement. Sometimes it is best to disengage temporarily to reassess oneself, because it is true that “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, and/or because one knows that one creates conflict or cannot work through the conflict at the time. I disengaged when I got the very distinct impression that I was repeatedly “hurting” and “offending” others. What good was it to the people I love if there was a pattern of me causing them pain? And, at the same time, it was being made clear that because they viewed me as the problem, I was not free to express how I in turn felt hurt by them. I appreciate the sentiment behind “stop apologizing, but just don’t leave” etc. but I disagree with it. Family DOES disengage from each other sometimes. What makes family is knowing that you can always come back to each other and work it out, or go on with love, not that you never take time apart.