thought i’d process my weekend kameelah-style via a list:
- i’ve had stanley clarke’s i wanna play for you on repeat all day today. hot hot hot.
- today i tried very hard to step away from the computer and start winter break by doing something creative. the result was this. i think the background may be too hellish (quite unintentional) for the art contest i entered it into. i don’t want to give my vacation to the stack of work i have to do so i’m going to be intentional about journaling, seeing friends, and read these books i bought but have yet to open.
- i went to my high school best friend’s wedding here in town yesterday. she and her partner are in georgia but they came here to get married at the church that raised her, a small pentacostal holiness church out in the country. about 5 other friends showed up from high school. it was freaaaaky. like, has it been four years already? have we really developed into our own selves? last time i saw you all, high school was life… now you are in the air force going to japan, you’re pregnant and married, you’re a teacher, and this one over here is jumping in the car going on her honeymoon. it seems like the time before was an alternate reality (though i don’t know why i’m surprised, it’s not like i haven’t changed too…hello old teen republican missionettes straight girl self).
- everything is coming together in my life, like little pieces being woven together. i love it. my communities, my work, my worlds…i’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of “wearing hats” as a person who has a lot of conflicting identities/relationships and it feels sooo good to take them off. like i can breathe for the first time. need to not out myself though…
- a woman using a powerchair was hit by a car this weekend. this is the third chair-user in the last three months and is in direct correlation to local paratransit services being cut in low-income neighborhoods. it’s looking like we’re going to have to come up with some kind of response… i’m not sure folks here are really protest-oriented so we’ll have to see what strategies we come up with.
- i told someone i care about deeply that i needed to step back from our relationship this weekend. we talked about it and i realized [okay he told me] that i was disengaging because i didn’t want to deal. i think when you are always in opposition, knowing when to mentally take yourself out of the equation is so important… we know it’s survival, right? but damn, you can’t disengage from friends, family, people you are committed to everytime you are upset. after nearly destroying two really important friendships in few months because of my avoidance of bubbling conflict and then complete silence, i’ve been trying *really* hard not to do this. i’m really hurt/worried/scared/disappointed that a group of people i really care about it might disengrate because of some kind of similar pattern of dealing with pain, hurt feelings & being completely overwhelmed with life. they have my heart and i don’t know what i’ll do if this happens.
- a professor i admire has a blog! and he said something really nice about me in it. i totally melted saturday morning. : )
I really like your painting! It is very hopeful.
On the disengaging thing… I have really disagreed with some of the convo on that. You have a choice to make about what is best for you, in the 1:1 friendship, and in the group dynamic. And you are right that sometimes disengaging is an avoidance and nothing ever gets “fixed” or dealt with that way. On the other hand, I’ve been really frustrated with the “demand” to not disengage in the group setting. Sometimes disengaging is needed. Sometimes it is a temporary measure. And just because one person knows that their own tendency to disengage is about avoiding conflict does not mean that is the only reason of someone else’s disengagement. Sometimes it is best to disengage temporarily to reassess oneself, because it is true that “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, and/or because one knows that one creates conflict or cannot work through the conflict at the time. I disengaged when I got the very distinct impression that I was repeatedly “hurting” and “offending” others. What good was it to the people I love if there was a pattern of me causing them pain? And, at the same time, it was being made clear that because they viewed me as the problem, I was not free to express how I in turn felt hurt by them. I appreciate the sentiment behind “stop apologizing, but just don’t leave” etc. but I disagree with it. Family DOES disengage from each other sometimes. What makes family is knowing that you can always come back to each other and work it out, or go on with love, not that you never take time apart.
Posted by Aaminah on December 15th, 2008.
mhmmm, aaminah you are 100% about disengaging often being necessary and good, love. i think that’s when you know a space is really sustainable, when one person can say “hey” i need to step back and the others support them in that. i’m sorry if my behavior/comment here has said otherwise (emailing you now.)
Posted by cripchick on December 15th, 2008.
Wow, I hadn’t listened to Stanley Clarke since my big fusion phase back when I was playing bass in our little local garage band (the old days – I’ve got it on vinyl). Good call cc, hot hot is right.
Things coming together and stepping back – the borders of identity harden under pressure and trap us inside them. Whatever it takes to back off the pressure and get more permeable is a goodgood thing. Cheers!
Posted by Carl on December 15th, 2008.