a friend once told me that disability often rejects and transcends what is considered “correct” body language. maybe we are stimming. maybe we are using an interpreter. maybe we are interacting with physical pain, depression, assistive technology. maybe we are sitting when we are supposed to be standing (or vice versa). to try and deny ourselves these needs are either exhausting or impossible. that’s just who we are.
i have been thinking about what it means to listen deeply. at the allied media conference, the media makers i surrounded myself with looked at communication as more than trying to get one’s message across. (loved what my girl little light said about media—”media is what we grow when we are trying to communicate with each other.”) at the amc, i would open up about something really personal and the people around me would use their whole bodies to hear me. sitting still. quiet. ears attentive. eye contact. not thinking about other things. reaching out and holding me if i needed it. being listened to like this was the most beautiful thing i have ever experienced. who knew listening could be so transformative.
but knowing that what my friend said is truth (’cause it is!), now i am thinking about where disabled people fit into this. for example, how much is the way i perceive that you are listening to me shaped by ideas of neurotypicality? (love the tshirt that says “eye contact is overrated”). how do we deal with a situation where my communication style is legitimized and yours is not? what do i do if my communication needs don’t mesh with yours? what are all the ways we can show each other that we are listening? is it just a matter of saying holla if you hear me? & i got you, i hear you, yes
so much listening to be done. . .
when i was training to be a counselor in school we learned about listening. it wasn’t until then that i realized there were so many ways to be a poor listener, and more importantly, how that shortchanges understanding and growth…
so many good points in here. so true that when someone is actually listening to you, it makes such a difference. i have a habit when i’m talking to someone and i feel them stop paying attention (and i can sense it right away even if i’m not watching their every move, i feel the energy connection fade/break), and i’ll stop talking. it weirds people out…they think i’m being touchy usually. but it means a lot when people are really trying to hear you. and again, in my education and experience, most of the time when we think we are listening, or when people typically “listen,” i should say, much energy is not present. so you give us a good reminder to remain conscious and true.
for me? i love eye contact and watching body language and all that. but i know what you mean. my cousin had a stroke at 4, and her body language cannot be read the same as mine might be…but she still has her own body language that can be learned. we all still send our signals. sometimes (as you point out in different words) real communication is learning others’ signal sets.
love, friendship, true communication? it comes down to being willing to learn about and love others.
Posted by nezua on July 25th, 2009.
Wooooooooow.
What a great post.
(I’m neurotypical but a terrible listener. And as I learn to make sure I listen better, I’ve been helping engrain practice of it (practice makes perfect!) into my life by, while listening, performing neurotypical “ways of showing it.”)
And y’know, maybe that just freaking makes sense. If I’m neurotypical, and even non-neurotypical people will better understand that I’m listening when I do it, and because of its “typicality” the act of doing it will remind ME to keep actually listening…yeah. Maybe it makes 100% sense.
But I still loved reading this post.
Posted by Katie on July 25th, 2009.
mhmmmm i like the way you describe listening, nez, as the energy happening when someone is speaking. so much to think about
and katie! hi! cool to move from twitterverse to here : )
Posted by cripchick on July 25th, 2009.
sidenote: not to get too OT, and i understand the need the autistic community has for differentiating, but for myself i have problems with the label “neurotypical.” “neurotypical” poses as a medical term, and to me it seems…technically casual, if not literally nonsensical. e.g., is it fair to clinically depressed, or schizophrenic people who are not autistic, to call them “Neurotypical”? what is “typical” when it comes to the wildly-varied continuum that is Human Psychology? am i taking it too literally? thinking about it, maybe my main issue is with the broad use of it, as it could clump many people into a false group, who are not “neurotypical” at all.
anyway, i don’t mean to bring an argument to the thread, just musing on it. my thoughts on the term, in the end, are probably very unimportant. :)
Posted by nezua on July 25th, 2009.
My AA sponsor said I shouldn’t write or doodle during AA meetings, because it seemed like I wasn’t listening and people would get offended (which was true, they did). Actually, I was often writing down everything they said, so I wouldn’t forget.
When I stopped writing things, forgot lots of things, too. I also find it distracting to LOOK at people while they talk and would rather look away and concentrate on their words rather than appearance. I often listen to TV news, rather than “watch” it…
Posted by DaisyDeadhead on July 30th, 2009.
This was a great post and really made me think about social norms, acceptable behaviors and listening in a new way. Thanks for sharing it.
Posted by Dylan on August 11th, 2009.