let’s talk about all the ways we practice internalized ableism towards each other.
why did these sisters assume the doctors/”professionals” were right and you simply misunderstood their intentions? why were all so quick to speak to *your* experiences?
did i ever dismiss your contributions to a space? did i do that as a way to exert power over you?
was i a part of creating a space where you could not participate? where you did not feel welcome?
why did your friend speak for you last week? was that what you had asked for or was it hurtful?
is part of the reason you run yourself ragged because you don’t trust us to hold things down? why do we expect and hold you to doing that?
why does your boss, your partner, your community, you, expect you to give everything you have and make you feel ashamed when you can’t?
who are the legitimate people in this movement? why are the hierachies we create the way they are? who do we consistently find at the top? at the bottom?
why are we not the ones setting the agenda? why don’t we centralize our own voices?
how come so much of our interactions with each other are done in a social work-y way? why do you think this is a program?
did my actions make my way of thinking, my way of communicating, my way of being who i am the legitimate one? did i not allow space for you to be who you are?
why do you think you take up too much space?
all the hurts you have… let’s talk about them. let’s do right by each other….
so what is on your mind?
[...] Mapu’s pancake nemesis, and a mujer who puts my tetaliciousness to shame, CripChick brings some preguntas on ableism as a way to open dialogue. Here’s a taste: let’s talk about all the ways we practice internalized ableism towards each [...]
Posted by Mamita Mala :One Bad Mami blog » Mujeres are Talking : Cripchick on Ableism on July 26th, 2009.
Interesting questions. I don’t have answers right now, but at least you’ve got me thinking. The funny thing is, I bring up some of these points to other people in my life, but rarely ask them of myself.
Thank you for getting me thinking.
Posted by Kitrona on July 28th, 2009.
i hear you kitrona.
Posted by cripchick on July 29th, 2009.
why [do] you expect [yourself] to give everything you have and make you feel ashamed when you can’t?
I ask myself this exact question. All. the. damn. time. I feel terrible when I don’t have enough energy to answer peoples’ questions about my condition, about why I am tired, about why I need strong painkillers, about why I can’t just work through the pain. I feel terrible when I have to work through my pain, and even worse when I give myself a break (!) from having to do so. I feel uncomfortable when I have to slow down, or admit that I need a break.
I am constantly measuring myself based on what I used to be–SuperCrip, who never slows down–and it makes me sad.
Thank you for this post, CC.
Posted by annaham on July 31st, 2009.
Hi cripchick,
My friend told me about your blog. Thank you for writing! I really like your question as to “how come so much of our interactions with each other are done in a social work-y way?” Yeah, how come?!
I’ve been really removed for years from social activist communities, which basically makes my disability (hearing ‘impairment’) completely invisible … today I’m struggling with the fact that my disability is often misconstrued as my personality. Which maybe it is. It’s this weird paradox … I am both my disability and not my disability, but I don’t exercise choice as to when I am these things. Others do it for me, unless I educate them in a ’social work-y’ kinda way.
Posted by slegg on August 12th, 2009.
Oh damn, this reminded me so much of the thoughts that have been going through my head since my folks announced that they’re getting divorced. Or rather, my dad did the speaking, and when I spoke to my mum later on… well, she’s been running herself ragged to make things work, had her boundaries stepped upon and overstepped consistently, had her disability ignored, had her needs ignored and when upset about that fact had her emotions disrespected and ridiculed by the man she did everything for for 40 years. Makes me cry just to think about it. So much fucked-up-ness in that whole deal, and my dad’s being an ass to her and putting on the smiley pleasant face to the rest of the world.
Mum has a chronic bowel-disease (Colitis ulcerosa, for those in the know), it flares up provoked by stress. She also has back issues and have had those for as long as I’ve lived. But letting her have the car the day she needed to take herself to physiotherapy and her asthmatic son to the doctor? Nope, dad took the car, mum could bloody well fend for herself and there’s no way dad would put up with trains and such even though that was a perfectly viable option for him. And leaving a woman with a bad back (no heavy lifting) home alone with two kids aged 2 and 5 every single night and morning because he wanted to stay with his mistress and come home so late that mum was late for work twice a week, yeah, real un-cool. Never lending a hand with cleaning the house, but expecting the daughter to do so instead. Getting the grown daughter out of the house asap so he’d have more options for seeing the mistress and then not providing for someone to help mum with the cleaning – at least until the daughter (me as it were) realised this and offered to help. He could hardly refuse it then.
And expecting to be able to negotiate with mum’s claustrophobia so’s to have his sexual needs fulfilled. It’s a friggin phobia! It can’t be negotiated!
And right now mum is so bitter and so sad. And her chronic disease has flared up like nobody’s business due to this divorce that she didn’t see coming and is timed VERY badly in lieu of their economy. And being considerate about this? Nah, not a chance.
I knew my dad was socially awkward – I probably inherited my ASD from him – but that he was such an asshat that the complete lack of empathy and consideration for other people borders on the level of sociopathy, I had never realised.
Goodness knows how mum managed to survive this for all those years and still be an awesome mom and compensate for the damage dad did in his miserable way of parenting.
I think, I may just nominate her for a SuperCrip awards. Did I mention she works fulltime still at the age of 60? Mum has done more than most non-disabled people have, but she’s worn herself down with it, and I’m not sure she’ll get through this divorce without some serious consequences to her mental health. If she does, and that’s still a real big if, she’ll be better off in the end. But that if just looms right there on the horizon.
Sorry for the rant and the venting. You did ask what was on the minds of your readers ;)
Posted by Jemima Aslana on August 16th, 2009.