for years my mom carried me on her back using a technique similar to a fireman’s lift. my family lived in a tiny duplex and even when i grew bigger than her (she is 5′1 and 105 pounds), she still carried me. now i live in a wheelchair accessible house and have home healthcare nurses, but the effect of her carrying me is still very present. today she woke up not being able to move and it is very often that her joints are burning or the house smells like menthol because we are all wearing a million muscle relaxers.
back pain is common for every woman in my family. my great aunt has back pain because she has spent 60+ years working on a farm (and is still doing so at 80 years old). my halmoni has back pain because she walked miles to work everyday and at 82 years old, runs our household. i do not do any physical labor but i have back pain because of disability. part of the reason my family pushes my younger sister so hard to succeed is so she doesn’t experience this negotiation of pain. too early to tell.
if i wrote a blog post yesterday, it would have spoken to tired shoulder blades and burning muscle. the world sits squarely between our shoulders. i do not know how we are so invisible when we are the ones keeping these movements, these communities, together. as activists and as poets, we talk about building new frameworks but everyday is another attempt to keep a closing door open. with the recession, people are losing jobs and states are slicing budgets. it is a heavy door but we stand firmly in the threshold. this week i feel like i am a conductor on an underground railroad, sneaking people in and moving forward before people realize that our tired feet are carrying us towards freedom. so exhausted that when i am not working, i am upset at something or sleeping.
even though i am so tired, i am also happier than i’ve ever been before in my life. not holding back on anything. nonprofit industrial complex likes to make things sterile, creates these pockets of movement where people are told they are leaders but look at injustice simply as work and feel no accountability or commonality with others. first time in my life where i am not messing with that, where i feel no obligation or investment in that. i have found more and when i feel tired, when my back is breaking, community tells me to rest. i can trust that they will carry me, it is what we are building.
thank you for being in community with me.
in response to dr. elle, my buddy (email is coming), and my girl nadia
[...] be reincarnated as a dairy cow in the alps, a woman in whom I saw both the strength and burden of holding the world, I wanted to know from her everything I could about that “before” place. She grew up in [...]
Posted by Building: Land and Access (what I’ve learned so far) pt. 1 « a year in the life on June 5th, 2009.
wow this is so powerful. really interesting to think about heritage and histories and cultures literally being carried on people’s backs and how the pain of that is so real and tangible. i’m also loving the end about nonprofit industrial complex.
Posted by Ryan on June 5th, 2009.
[...] bell hook’s new book Belonging, check it out for a fantastic post on family, women and body that spurred me [...]
Posted by something like it « a year in the life on June 9th, 2009.
Menthol patches are my friend!!!
There is a student on my campus who reminds me of you. I keep expecting her to yell something like, “oy! Crazy lady!” I dunno. :P
I recently argued my financial aid problems as purely an access problem. I kept thinking, “cripchick will be so proud!” Sniffle. Actually, I used your name in there, but meh. You know what I’m saying, I hope.
Posted by lastcrazyhorn on June 10th, 2009.
i do not know how we are so invisible when we are the ones keeping these movements, these communities, together. as activists and as poets, we talk about building new frameworks but everyday is another attempt to keep a closing door open.
and
nonprofit industrial complex likes to make things sterile, creates these pockets of movement where people are told they are leaders but look at injustice simply as work and feel no accountability or commonality with others.
so many truths in this post. Thank you.
Posted by noemi on June 29th, 2009.