The way you trust me freaks me the hell out.
Not because of my age or internalized stuff, but because I don’t trust myself with you.
Excuse the poor, possibly-inappropriate analogy, but I have a loving, polyamorous relationship with projects, movements, goals— love you all and believe this can really work with the right amount of communication and intentionality— but still find myself disappearing from you for weeks at a time. Even when I cut everything out of my life but the bare basics, I still find myself overextended. I haven’t figured out how to give what our relationships deserve but want believe that we can all live and grow parallel to each other. Just need to find balance to make this work.
Sometimes I wonder if what we’re doing here in town is all a distraction from my loneliness, from my isolation. But then we call for a meeting and they come. People tell each other. Every day I am adding new numbers into my phone, everyday I am scribbling down my info for bus drivers, people at the mall, home health care workers, family members and disabled people to pass it on to a friend they know. Folks don’t call that organizing or consider me an activist but they know so and so who needs personal care attendants, food stamps, housing and maybe I’ll know something.
I wanted to organize and work with disabled people of color. I like the values we have, the way we look out for each other. What we’re building here is beautiful and what we’re doing is real; no one has ever heard of the non-profit industrial complex, this is just people coming together to work together to make this world better.
Help me be accountable, help me find balance. Keep sending both the angry phone calls and the love notes. Don’t let me disengage just yet. We can make this work. The conditions and the possibility are here. Thank you for believing.
In community,
cripchick
hi doll. i love this (and you). could you cross post this raven’s eye please. i am so feeling this right now. i am having a polyarmourous relationship with so many projects right and feeling guilty that i cannot give any of them my full time. must stay balanced yes? must keep my priorities in mind yes?
and i think the analogy of polyamory is perfect because that is how i feel. so full of love and yet there are only so many hours in the day and so i have to be here with whatever i am doing at the moment.
and i am learning this week to really work on my communication skills. telling folks what i can give and when. not perfect at it. getting better.
Posted by maia on April 30th, 2009.
“The way you trust me freaks me the hell out.”
I feel the same way at my job. I am not running anything or organizing anything (even though I would like to one day). I am a counselor in a domestic violence shelter. Every day I work with women who are coming from abusive situations and I counsel them. My life is not together and I am very often a complete mess, but I come to work and I am able to pull together to be a support and a counselor. I often can’t believe that I am trusted with the counseling sessions, running the shelter, and the crisis hotline, but I always seem to be able to pull through and help those who want to be helped. I guess its insecurity about my abilities or my qualifications. I just keep trying to learn along with the women I am counseling.
Posted by sarady on April 30th, 2009.
Again you hit the nail right on the head!!! Love the way you do that!
Posted by terri on May 1st, 2009.